You Could Be Happy
by supernaturalsammy67
Summary: I'm sorry I left you" Between brother's. "I'm sorry you left"


**This little fic is purely inspired by the song, 'you could be happy' by Snow Patrol. .It.**

**Summary: "I'm sorry I left you" Between brother's "I'm sorry you left"**

**Warning: I love this song, be saddened!**

**Disclaimer: You could be happy...and I can't let go...of the brothers...and Kripke and Co. XD listen to the song while you have a read :)**

_You could be happy, and I won't know_

He should have known. He _did _know. The school called, Stanford...they were going on about excelled students, magnificant grades, _we're so happy Samuel decided to-_... they sounded...happy and Dean noticed. Sam wasn't. Sam's low voice, his too long hair always covering his eyes. The way he didn't eat that much anymore. The far-away look in his eyes when he eventually looked at you, less and less.

"Sammy?" Dean swallowed, made his way slowly over to Sam's bed. "I know" he grated. Shocked wide eyes jerked up at Dean, his lips parted in a silent apology.

Sam's head bowed. "Does Dad...does he...uhm..." His little brother sounded like he'd been crying. His voice thick. It wasn't until later Dean found out he had. The scrawled apology he'd drafted for him. For Dean, all tear stained and crumpled, like someone had fisted it and couldn't let go.

"No" Dean's hand squeezed Sam's wrist. Their eyes met. "He won't let you go. But..." A million words screamed in his head._ No Sam, you can't. Don't do this to me, what about me? Sammy you're still a kid, slow down. Please just...don't._ "You gotta' follow your dreams, you _have _to be happy Sam" He choked back the rest. This was about Sam...not him.

He didn't notice Sam's shoulders shake, the way his eyes squeezed shut. The physical strain it took for his brother to just _leave _that room. Leave Dean.

_But you weren't the happy the day I watched you go_

Tears dripped off the end of his nose, tucked their way under his chin. His chin trembled as he stared at his Dad.

"You leave, don't you...ever...come back. You hear me? You understand that, _Son?_..." John's eyes glowed with a fury he had _never _seen directed at him, it hurt to look at, to watch.

He opened his mouth, his shoulder ached with the weight of his back pack, his clothes, his books. Everything. "Da-" His voice shook and he swallowed painfully. Tears stung his eyes for a second round and he bit his bottom lip. Tasted blood. His back felt sore where he'd hit the wall. He clenched his eyes shut.

_"WHAT? Doesn't your family mean anything to you!? You're just going to leave first chance you get!? Dean...you know about this?"_

_"Yes sir" Quiet, stoic. Stood on Sam's side of the room._

_"It's my choice Dad! I'd never fit in here...I don't belong to hunting! I hate it! The only reason I've stayed is De-"_

_Hands grabbed the front of his shirt, pushed him back against the wall and his lungs shook. His Dad in his face. "You're not a son of mine" He seethed. "Get out" Then stronger, louder. "GET OUT! Go on...get gone, if thats what you really want!"_

_Dean had lunged, stayed in case anything happened...in case Sam needed him, decided to stay. But he didn't and Dean drew his lips in a hard line, nodded Sam forward._

His lip quivered. "I'm sor-"

"Get out Sam" His father's voice almost broke, his fists clenched and his head turned away. "Go"

Sam's hand shook around the handle, his heart broke with a glance at Dean, tears on his own face and a small nod of his head. _You can go Sam, it's okay._

As soon as his back was turned, the cold settled into his heart, into his stomach. He opened the door, turned one last time. _For Dean._ And his Dad met him, stone cold hard eyes. Shutting Sam out as he slammed the door.

Sam didn't stop crying until he got to California. He didn't stop crying for Dean.

_I'm so sorry Dean..._

_And all the things that I wish I had not said_

_Played in loops till it's madness in my head_

"Sam?" Gravelly and sleep deprived.

"...D-Dad??...what...uhm..." Sam fisted the phone tighter, held on like his life would break. "Is Dean...?"

"Dean's fine..." A beat. "Merry christmas..." Then the phone clicked off. The endless tone flatlined and Sam swallowed. There was so many things he wanted to say, to just call back and...and ask. To just _talk. _

He sighed. He knew his Dad wouldn't answer, just like he knew he wouldn't call.

_Is it too late to remind you how we were_

_And not our last days of silence scream and blur_

"You know Sam...we make a good team...ya' think?" Dean's eyes sparkled.

Sam turned, canted his head to the side. "Yeah...yeah we do" Then he walked. Again out of Dean's life and back to his. With Jess.

He couldn't stop the massive pang of guilt, regret, sorrow that threatened to pull him under. He forced himself not to look back, but his neck turned on it's own, smiling briefly, sadly at Dean as the Chevy's red embers glowed into the night.

_Most of what I remember makes me sure_

_I should of stopped you from walkin out the door_

"SAMMY! SAM!" Dean raced the stairs, ran like fucking hell because Sam was there, Sam needed him. He felt it. He fucking _felt _it. And then he heard his brother's screams.

"NO! JESS!...NO!" The emotion, the anguish in those screams made him falter, then he ran faster, up the stairs and kicked open his brother's dorm door.

"SAM!" He took his brother, breathing like he'd been punched in the chest, his pulse racing threatening to explode from his rib-cage. "Sammy" Sam heaved in a great breath, shaking against him, his fear rolling in waves. "JESS NO!" Sam belted.

He'd pulled his brother from another fire that, again decided to destroy his life, kill his dream, his heart and himself all in one.

Sam's empty eyes watched the flames die down from the impala. His tears long since emptied, he'd literally cried his fucking heart out. Dean sighed, watching his brother from the dark, he shouldn't have let his brother get hurt, hell, he shouldn't have let him be open for this kind of attack in the first place.

Then Dean opened his cell- Sam's cell, and called the only person he knew who could help, missing or not. He knew his Dad had to answer, he could never just ignore Sam.

His father answered on the second ring. "Dad...it's...it's Sammy. There's been a fire..." His voice trembled and he swallowed. "He's okay. Not hurt but...it's Jess. Yeah, Moore. She's...she didn't make it...yeah Dad" Dean sighed, ran a hand over his face. "Just like Mom" He paused again. "Sam-he could really use your help...okay. Yes sir"

_You could be happy,_

_I hope you are._

"Jess?" Sam stirred again. The pain laced in his voice made Dean's heart ache.

"Go to sleep Sam"

His brother groaned, all tired, empty.

_You made me happier than I'd been by far_

"I know...I love you too" Sam's head turned on the pillow. Another dream. "Jess..." He tumbled off. A sob a few moments later...

_Somehow everything I own smells of you_

"Nothing survived the fire sir, but...I think you should come down, you see you have to I.D. the-"

"Hey" Dean held his hand up, steadied his brother as he paled and halted the fire guy. "Don't even finsh that sentence" His eyes cold. "I'll do it. He just wanted some stuff-"

Another man, looked like one of the fire crew guys jogged down to them, a brown hoodie, the faded 'Stanford University' in white. "This yours pal?"

Dean watched his brother pale for the second time that day, his eyes darting to the material, frowning he gripped it tightly, brought it to his chest, over his heart. And inhaled deeply.

Vanilla. And smoke. "God...Jess..." Sam choked.

_And for the tiniest moment it's all not true_

His eyes opened. The sunlight streamed in through the curtains, he turned awkwardly, his arms shifting beneath the pillow. "Jess..." He whispered. His eyes blinking, frowning. Dean slept on in the other bed.

_Do the things that you always wanted to_

_Without me there to hold you back, don't think just do_

Dean watched him, every day. Stared for as long as his eyes stayed open. helped as much as he could and then some. Every day, every thought...he kicked himself for letting Sammy leave, for letting him get hurt so bad.

The again. His little brother needed to be free, he couldn't of stopped Sam, _really. _And he couldn't sit back and watch as his brother retreated into himself. He wondered if the cost of Sam's happiness was worth it, and then he wondered if it was ever enough.

_More than anything I want to see you girl_

Easy salt 'n' burn, one night had been a couple of weeks, Sam still wasn't talking and he was sleeping less. But this hunt...well, she'd been blonde, tall. Strikingly beautiful...decided to confuse Sam's already shattered mind by making him think he'd killed _her. _Broke his little brother right down, broke his arm too.

She'd been screaming, blaming, crying at Sam and his brother folded like a cheap hand at Poker.

"SAM! Hey..look at me, we'll patch you up...you'll be okay bro'...it wasn't you. You didn't do anything. S'not your fault Sammy...you're safe"

Sam gasped as his brother felt his arm. "God...Dean...I miss her...miss her so much..." He choked back a sob.

_Take a gloruous bite out of the whole world_

Couple of days after that, Sam was in another shabby motel. White cast complete with sling and Dean was staring. The kind of tell-me-whats-going-on-with-you stare because I'm your big brother.

"Sam...this is killing you, slowly. So spill...you've tortured yourself long enough little brother" Dean's eyes bore into his back and Sam sighed, ran his thumb and trigger finger into the corners of his mouth.

"Whats there to say, Dean? It's my fault...I know that. End of discussion"

"No actually, it's not your fault Sammy. It's the friggin' thing that did that to her s'fault. So...talk to me. We aren't leaving this room until you do"

Sam's lips thinned and he set his eyes.

"Fine" Dean sighed. "I actually..." He softened his tone. "Have a topic to talk with _you _about..."

Sam frowned. "What?" He croaked. _There we go Sammy..._

Dean licked his lips. "The night you left... I told myself I was letting you go, ya' know the whole...bird flying the nest right? Thought you'd be happy...that you could be and if you stayed...you just wouldn't have been _you, _but...ever since I've been...I've..." He took a deep breath. Looked down. "I've missed you, an' the thought of you out there where...anything can take a hit on you...I had to fight following you a few times"

Sam straightened on the bed, his eyes glazed. "I missed you too" He whispered softly. "Both of you..." He blinked.

"Then when...when, what happened to Jess..." He swallowed. "I thought...this is my fault, I let you go out there, to this big bad world because I thought _I _was doing you a favour when...all I did was make it harder for you, let you get hurt. And you didn't deserve that...I'm sorry Sammy"

Sam was already shaking his head, whispering no before Dean ever blamed himself. "No, no none of this is your fault Dean"

"Well it isn't yours. I can't help but...think if I'd stopped you...catch 22 huh"

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"When I left that night...I...I didn't stop thinking about how I'd left you...how I'd just walked out and left you and I never wanted to...ever. But when you told me you knew...I thought you'd be so mad but you were...you were smiling at me...I nearly came right back..." Sam hitched a breath. "I didn't want to do it alone" Sam gave a sad smile.

"You know Dad was proud"

Sam froze. His head whipped up. "He was furious"

"Just because he couldn't protect you Sammy...he came by all the time. Infact I er, after the fire. I called him, on your phone"

Sam felt like he couldn't breathe. "Did...I mean...did he...did you...?"

"Answered straight away, asked about you...he knew about Jess...and...I'd never heard him so upset. He didn't ever want that to happen to you Sam...hell, thats why he took off after the thing so fast...what it did to Mom, to you"

"I didn't know that"

Dean nodded. "I am sorry though. For letting this happen to you..."

Sam shook his head, a tear breaking free. "I'm sorry I left you"

"I'm sorry you left" _That I didn't stop you...that I didn't save you...or her..._

Sam smiled to himself. "Dean...?"

"Yeah?"

"Lets find Dad" Sam looked up with a watery gaze. And Dean nodded.

**Teh End loves.**

**Thanks for the read, I hope you liked it, and for those other pesky fics I have yet to be finished...they are being undergone in seriously strained better-therepy.**

**Cheers'**


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